How to Communicate During Conflict Without Hurting Each Other

When you are arguing with your partner do you shut down? Do you leave and go to another room? Do you scream and say the most hurtful things you can think of?

If so you are not alone. But this kind of conflict is toxic. It is not really you talking. It is your feelings and your fears taking over.

I teach couples some simple boundaries for what I call fighting fair. These boundaries help get rid of all the irrational behaviors that adults sometimes fall into when they act like children during arguments. Instead they focus on the facts and what really matters.

Everyone has conflict in their relationships. It is normal and healthy. The key is learning how to have conflict in a way that is respectful and productive.

Here are some basics for fighting fair:
Pause before you speak when emotions are running high.
Avoid name calling or saying things just to hurt.
Take breaks if you need to calm down but agree to come back and continue the conversation.
Stick to one topic at a time and try not to bring up old grievances.
Listen to understand your partner not just to respond.
Use I statements to express your feelings rather than blaming your partner.

These are simple but powerful tools that change how couples fight. When you learn how to have healthy conflict you create space for growth and deeper understanding.

Conflict does not have to mean disconnection. It can be a way to build trust and intimacy when done with care.

If you find yourself stuck in toxic arguing patterns there is hope. Couples therapy can help you learn fighting fair and how to communicate in a way that strengthens your relationship.

Remember your relationship deserves kindness even when you disagree. Fighting fair is one of the best ways to show love in action.